The Mammon Philosophy

In the wake of the European Parliament’s Internal Market Committee’s released statement that parents should have a “red button” to disable online games, a prominent Canadian game design philosopher has suggested that even further steps should be taken.

“Your game-obsessed kids need a good spanking,” said Simon Roberts of The Mammon Industry. “Spank ‘em until their cheeks are red.”

Roberts waved off claims that a red-button would be of any use. “If it were as simple as turning off the power or enabling the built-in parental controls, families would already be doing that. Changing the name of the mechanism to draw more attention to it won’t encourage Joe Six-Kids to get off his chesterfield and control his offspring, who are about as likely to listen as a Chattur’ghan Horror is to stop charging.”

Instead, he recommended a progressive system consisting of passive-aggressive suggestions followed by swift punishment. “In my day, my old lady would say, ‘I think you should go play outside now.’ And if I said, ‘I think you should make me a sandwich while I finish level 3,’ whap! I’d get smacked on the backside before you could say Turbo Tunnel. Sure, it stung at the time, but now I’m a healthy, well-adjusted man.”

“I have lots of interest in outdoor activities,” he added as he strapped a bandolier across his chest for what he described as a ‘hunting trip.’ Later calls to Mr. Roberts’ agrarian compound log cabin on the fringe of society were not returned by press time.

Tags: the media

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